i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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