If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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