I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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