Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
