Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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