You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
