Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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