I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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