I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
