My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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