My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
