It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
