We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
