You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
