To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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