dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
40s are totally the cure
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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