are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You may now shotgun with the bride
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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