Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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