Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
