she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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