She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
