Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
