so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
