woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He has the fingertips of a God
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