Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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