bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
