I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
