So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
