Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
