My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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