I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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