All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
