life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
