I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
