The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I believe in your delicious
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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