Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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