I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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