You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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