Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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