all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
