is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
it's great music for shaving your balls
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
