were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
