Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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