she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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