He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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