So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
