We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
