Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
