Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
