Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
