dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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