The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
