sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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