I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i will never coherently bang her
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
