If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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