He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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