Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
