Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
