I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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