So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize