Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
