why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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